“Oh you look so good!” “Wow, you look so much younger!” “You seem so healthy and fit!” “ Ooo girl, you are looking so great; I can’t believe how much weight you’ve lost!” I have just entered the main house at a local retreat center and healing sanctuary। It is Late May and women are gathering as we do three times a year celebrate. This occasion is special as we are marking our 20th year together. The excitement is thick in the air as we are arriving. Regular attendees, those who’ve not been in a while, and a few newcomers are unloading our cars for the week-end ahead. We carry in bags laden with decorations and sacred objects for the alter, musical instruments, sleeping gear, and of course bountiful quantities of food. All this activity is joyous in its own right, but even more as womyn come into this space they recognize each other and are ready to lay down the burdens of the mundane world, they embrace in joyous and heartfelt greetings. As a regular attendee for the last 17 years I get my fair share of hugs and exclamations of glee at the familiar reunion of sisters knowing they have entered into a different reality and can be more authentic in their true selves. I come with ignited anticipation for the genuine affection that seems to flow so easily between us. As I am buffeted by the enthusiastic greetings of my sisters though, I am immediately aware that they are lavishing me with a different kind of energy this time than I had received in the past.
It has been about six months since I’ve seen most of them। I had missed our winter gathering and so what had been a gradual weight loss to me and those who see me regularly must have seemed dramatic to them. I was about 25 pounds lighter due to increased physical activity in my life. However it had not been a conscious effort on my part and I myself was not fully aware of how different I might have looked. I do not often give much attention to my appearance, but a half-year of intensive martial arts training had left its mark on my body, presenting me as leaner and more muscular in my physical form. This is what draws the most comments and inside I feel myself beginning to squirm.
It is obvious and painfully so that my longtime friends, whom I have come to see as refuge from the world at large carry an aspect of the world that they are not even aware of into this place। I take in carefully all the exclamations of praise given to me. I breath deeply and smile at each womon and say how happy I am to see her as I consider the nagging feeling of discomfort and dis-ease that is growing within me. They continue to comment on my appearance and now not just to me, but let it flow to each other and soon I find I have become a subject and center of attention in a circle of about 12 womyn. On and on they go until as if by a collective consciousness they notice I have stopped smiling and as they settle into a silence and turn their collective gaze back to me, I take the chance to speak. “It really is good to be back in our circle again and your company means so much to me. I am incredibly happy to be here with all of you, but I am very uncomfortable with all the attention and comments that seem to focus on how I look.” My opening is met with silence. After a few seconds a womon asks me why I should feel uncomfortable with such praise. I respond that it is focused on how I look and to me reinforces for all of us the misaligned importance on appearance. Some womyn nod; I am relieved by this, hoping that they do indeed understand. Others look puzzled.
“What is wrong with what we are saying? You do look good and I think hearing h that ought to be positive।” I know my response must be careful here. I am aware that defensiveness is brewing in some of my friends and I want them to understand my position on this and not feel like I am criticizing them. I try the broad scope first. I speak to the “womanly ideal” conveyed in our current western culture. Womyn are expected to be supermodel thin, yet have large breasts, be flawless in skin tone, which includes being hairless, and have long luxurious, silky, shiny hair. Everyday this image is reinforced through the media and advertisements. What’s more insidious is that we as womyn have become the trumpeters of these messages, conveying them to each other in every setting we gather in. I ask my friends how many of them hear from other womyn the need to diet or change how they look in their places of work or even in the grocery store. Nearly every one of them nods in affirmation to this experience. Now I bring it all to this moment. I remind them that we gather to leave that world behind and although they think they are paying me compliments they not only reinforce the emphasis on looks for me, but for each other as well. What of our other sisters who are larger in size who overhear this; what message is being told to them? To me it says that somehow they are less than because they do not fit the ideal. Somehow they are flawed. Further I remind my friends that body size can change over time and what will be their reaction if I plump up; will I somehow have fallen from grace? I am still who I am. I am the one they have come to know who likes to sing, cook, play, love, write, practice martial arts, and walk the dog. I did and will continue to do all these things regardless of my body size. Our theme for this week-end is Celebrating Abundance. We want to do this in every aspect, which includes most assuredly our bodies.
I can feel the energy has shifted some in this circle. I look at each womon and say, “You are beautiful no matter what.” They echo it back to me. We make a pact to not talk this week-end about how we hate our bodies, how we need to diet, or can’t eat what we want. Further we resolve to help each other in this by pointing it out if and when it comes up. And it does indeed come up, but now I am not the one voice trying to hold off a creeping tide of self-hatred. I am now part of a chorus. In the spirit of that feeling I end with the verse of a song by Libby Roderick that we commonly sing together, which holds a wonderful message for all of us.
How could any one ever tell you
you are anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
you are less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving s a miracle
How deeply you’re connected to my soul*
*Libby Roderick
It has been about six months since I’ve seen most of them। I had missed our winter gathering and so what had been a gradual weight loss to me and those who see me regularly must have seemed dramatic to them. I was about 25 pounds lighter due to increased physical activity in my life. However it had not been a conscious effort on my part and I myself was not fully aware of how different I might have looked. I do not often give much attention to my appearance, but a half-year of intensive martial arts training had left its mark on my body, presenting me as leaner and more muscular in my physical form. This is what draws the most comments and inside I feel myself beginning to squirm.
It is obvious and painfully so that my longtime friends, whom I have come to see as refuge from the world at large carry an aspect of the world that they are not even aware of into this place। I take in carefully all the exclamations of praise given to me. I breath deeply and smile at each womon and say how happy I am to see her as I consider the nagging feeling of discomfort and dis-ease that is growing within me. They continue to comment on my appearance and now not just to me, but let it flow to each other and soon I find I have become a subject and center of attention in a circle of about 12 womyn. On and on they go until as if by a collective consciousness they notice I have stopped smiling and as they settle into a silence and turn their collective gaze back to me, I take the chance to speak. “It really is good to be back in our circle again and your company means so much to me. I am incredibly happy to be here with all of you, but I am very uncomfortable with all the attention and comments that seem to focus on how I look.” My opening is met with silence. After a few seconds a womon asks me why I should feel uncomfortable with such praise. I respond that it is focused on how I look and to me reinforces for all of us the misaligned importance on appearance. Some womyn nod; I am relieved by this, hoping that they do indeed understand. Others look puzzled.
“What is wrong with what we are saying? You do look good and I think hearing h that ought to be positive।” I know my response must be careful here. I am aware that defensiveness is brewing in some of my friends and I want them to understand my position on this and not feel like I am criticizing them. I try the broad scope first. I speak to the “womanly ideal” conveyed in our current western culture. Womyn are expected to be supermodel thin, yet have large breasts, be flawless in skin tone, which includes being hairless, and have long luxurious, silky, shiny hair. Everyday this image is reinforced through the media and advertisements. What’s more insidious is that we as womyn have become the trumpeters of these messages, conveying them to each other in every setting we gather in. I ask my friends how many of them hear from other womyn the need to diet or change how they look in their places of work or even in the grocery store. Nearly every one of them nods in affirmation to this experience. Now I bring it all to this moment. I remind them that we gather to leave that world behind and although they think they are paying me compliments they not only reinforce the emphasis on looks for me, but for each other as well. What of our other sisters who are larger in size who overhear this; what message is being told to them? To me it says that somehow they are less than because they do not fit the ideal. Somehow they are flawed. Further I remind my friends that body size can change over time and what will be their reaction if I plump up; will I somehow have fallen from grace? I am still who I am. I am the one they have come to know who likes to sing, cook, play, love, write, practice martial arts, and walk the dog. I did and will continue to do all these things regardless of my body size. Our theme for this week-end is Celebrating Abundance. We want to do this in every aspect, which includes most assuredly our bodies.
I can feel the energy has shifted some in this circle. I look at each womon and say, “You are beautiful no matter what.” They echo it back to me. We make a pact to not talk this week-end about how we hate our bodies, how we need to diet, or can’t eat what we want. Further we resolve to help each other in this by pointing it out if and when it comes up. And it does indeed come up, but now I am not the one voice trying to hold off a creeping tide of self-hatred. I am now part of a chorus. In the spirit of that feeling I end with the verse of a song by Libby Roderick that we commonly sing together, which holds a wonderful message for all of us.
How could any one ever tell you
you are anything less than beautiful?
How could anyone ever tell you
you are less than whole?
How could anyone fail to notice
That your loving s a miracle
How deeply you’re connected to my soul*
*Libby Roderick
hi Kim, It's Judith. As someone whose weight fluctuates, I so agree with what you said. When I lose weight, I get a lot of praise and comments about how good I look, and "Oooh, you've lost weight", but when I plump up (I love your description -- plumping up, yes), then no one mentions my weight, or comments on my looks. The silence is palpable.
ReplyDeletethanks for finding a way to talk about this with your friends. maybe I will be brave enough to do so, too.