Spinster, it is a powerful label. It can evoke a deep meaning, one that is often negative in western culture. One may conjure up images of old womyn, hags, witches, and old-maids. At least that’s how they’re depicted in many of our stories, myths, and faery tales. For some of us amongst our families we can recall the stories of certain aunts (add as many greats to that as necessary) that were called Spinsters in hushed or maybe not so hushed tones. For a few there may have been the lamenting of relatives for us to find a “nice” boy and settle down not to become a Spinster. It was almost a cryptic warning that could substitute the word Lesbian for Spinster.
As I sit here and ponder Spinsterhood, I realize I have never fully considered all the heteropatriarchal falsehoods told about womyn who live their lives outside the accepted norms, especially for womyn who consciously chose to forgo coupled relationships. How have I and maybe many of us unknowingly internalized these lies told to us about our aunts and ultimately ourselves? I roll the word around aloud for a while, paying attention to how I feel. “Spinster, spinster, spinster…” Something about this word makes me uncomfortable. Those negative images fill my mind. I am not happy at how embedded these are in my own being. What is it about this word, these womyn that is so negative? What is it that they hold in themselves that is so powerful that young girls must be warned to never become them? Who really are the Spinsters? How can I and any of us undo the lies told about the Spinsters and remember the truth and possibility of what Spinsterhood can offer.
I have read dozens of books on the roles prescribed to womyn by this male-centric society. This is where I first consciously remember meeting the Spinster. Likewise I have devoured all the books by womyn, lesbians, feminists, and separatists I could get my hands on. These sister-writers endeavoring to cast off these male-serving roles and create an entirely new lexicon for lesbians to call themselves. Over the years as I’ve read and reread these books I have become aware the Spinster’s presence has been with me, waiting for me to recognize her. To let fall away the falsehoods told to us in faery tales. She bids each of us to sit with her and find out who she is and whether she could be you or me.
I like so many can still readily conjure up the image of the old womon living alone when I hear the word Spinster. Every Spinster of myth and legend has been given to me to reinforce this. Who is she? At first she seems sad, out of place, cast aside, maybe dangerous. She is unwanted. She is a womon ALONE. And it is that perceived aloneness that can strike such fear in all of us. In men because the Spinster is unavailable to them and in many of us her sisters, for holding the place of solitude.
I’m one of those that find it hard to be alone. I like so many of my RLF sisters thrive best when in community. It makes any struggle easier and any joy well shared. I also have gone through times in my life where I was not in a significant relationship and lived alone, but I have always had a supportive community of womyn and lesbians around me. What feels different now is I have begun to experience “time” as not as infinite as it felt in my baby dyke days. I am still very lucky to be surrounded by friends and radical lesbians alike. I’ve also continued to experience the difficulty of shifting, changing, and sometimes losing intimate relationships. No womon comes away from such things not questioning herself and often we seek solitude as a way to heal. And there she is waiting the spectre of the Spinster.
What the Spinster embodies for me is much longer expanses of solitude. I fear the Spinster because of her seemingly eternal solitude. I fear that I may become a Spinster (or might already be one) and live out the remainder of this life alone. I struggle when the solitude is not fully by choice. When it expands into being alone with the unknown. The Spinster’s solitude is full of the unknown. And that is exactly what she holds closest to herself, her solitude and the unknowable. I struggle because I think of solitude and ALONE as one in the same. This begs the question are they? Solitude may not be the same as being alone. And the unknowable exists no matter how one lives. I do know that as long as I fear her the Spinster will be a stranger to me.
Like so many of the other roles perpetrated upon womyn that I and others still have internalized The Spinster remains trapped in falsehoods that continue to be feared and played out. Ageism and sexism hang from her false form like a cloak, always being worn by her when her image is first conjured up. These are the stern warnings given to us as young girls. The threats that we will be old, unlovable, and alone are wielded like weapons in attempts to get us to conform. Although maybe not as rampant these same messages have been carried over into our lesbian communities. The lingering damage of ageism, sexism (along with all those other isms) continues to impact our relationships with other dykes and most certainly ourselves. If I like many lesbians turn on our heels when the Spinster makes her presence felt, she will continue to be cloaked in fear and falsehoods, never having realized her true identity and power
As a Lesbian I know how essential it is for each of us to nurture and cultivate self-love, self-sufficiency, self-confidence, and self-determination. These qualities when fully expressed can be the antidote for us as we are living within this hostile world, which is far from womyn-loving. This is something I have no doubt that every one of us is reminded of every day. Knowing this the Spinster could be imagined by many of us as an archetype of strength and fierce self-preservation. A defiant act of remaining true to oneself and not succumbing to the pressures of coupledom be it in the heteropatriarchy or within the radical lesbian feminist movement. The womon who can be comfortable with solitude is strong in herself and let’s no person dictate her path. Dyke separatists and radical lesbian feminists live far outside the accepted norms of male-dominated society. As we strive to create new paradigms for ourselves, our communities, and ultimately this planet we may find ourselves reaching towards the images and archetypes of womyn from our pasts. Reaching towards then to heal the misinformation and lies we were told about our aunts and ourselves. It is here that the Spinster waits for us to come to her. She has a lot to offer, but we must be willing to dive deep beneath the surface.
The spinster’s path is powerful, exuberant, mysterious, and difficult. It takes courage to follow her footsteps. She whom no other could ever own. She is strong, independent, fierce, yet gentle, wise, and wily. So sure of herself is the Spinster that she does not fear any passing winter night by the fire with only the company of her own heartbeat. As long as she breathes she is not alone. Her existence does not need to be validated by others. She draws those close to her that are as sure in themselves as she is in herself. All that is required to truly know the Spinster is to become her, if even for a short time. Be willing to embrace solitude. Enter into the unknown.
As I sit here and ponder Spinsterhood, I realize I have never fully considered all the heteropatriarchal falsehoods told about womyn who live their lives outside the accepted norms, especially for womyn who consciously chose to forgo coupled relationships. How have I and maybe many of us unknowingly internalized these lies told to us about our aunts and ultimately ourselves? I roll the word around aloud for a while, paying attention to how I feel. “Spinster, spinster, spinster…” Something about this word makes me uncomfortable. Those negative images fill my mind. I am not happy at how embedded these are in my own being. What is it about this word, these womyn that is so negative? What is it that they hold in themselves that is so powerful that young girls must be warned to never become them? Who really are the Spinsters? How can I and any of us undo the lies told about the Spinsters and remember the truth and possibility of what Spinsterhood can offer.
I have read dozens of books on the roles prescribed to womyn by this male-centric society. This is where I first consciously remember meeting the Spinster. Likewise I have devoured all the books by womyn, lesbians, feminists, and separatists I could get my hands on. These sister-writers endeavoring to cast off these male-serving roles and create an entirely new lexicon for lesbians to call themselves. Over the years as I’ve read and reread these books I have become aware the Spinster’s presence has been with me, waiting for me to recognize her. To let fall away the falsehoods told to us in faery tales. She bids each of us to sit with her and find out who she is and whether she could be you or me.
I like so many can still readily conjure up the image of the old womon living alone when I hear the word Spinster. Every Spinster of myth and legend has been given to me to reinforce this. Who is she? At first she seems sad, out of place, cast aside, maybe dangerous. She is unwanted. She is a womon ALONE. And it is that perceived aloneness that can strike such fear in all of us. In men because the Spinster is unavailable to them and in many of us her sisters, for holding the place of solitude.
I’m one of those that find it hard to be alone. I like so many of my RLF sisters thrive best when in community. It makes any struggle easier and any joy well shared. I also have gone through times in my life where I was not in a significant relationship and lived alone, but I have always had a supportive community of womyn and lesbians around me. What feels different now is I have begun to experience “time” as not as infinite as it felt in my baby dyke days. I am still very lucky to be surrounded by friends and radical lesbians alike. I’ve also continued to experience the difficulty of shifting, changing, and sometimes losing intimate relationships. No womon comes away from such things not questioning herself and often we seek solitude as a way to heal. And there she is waiting the spectre of the Spinster.
What the Spinster embodies for me is much longer expanses of solitude. I fear the Spinster because of her seemingly eternal solitude. I fear that I may become a Spinster (or might already be one) and live out the remainder of this life alone. I struggle when the solitude is not fully by choice. When it expands into being alone with the unknown. The Spinster’s solitude is full of the unknown. And that is exactly what she holds closest to herself, her solitude and the unknowable. I struggle because I think of solitude and ALONE as one in the same. This begs the question are they? Solitude may not be the same as being alone. And the unknowable exists no matter how one lives. I do know that as long as I fear her the Spinster will be a stranger to me.
Like so many of the other roles perpetrated upon womyn that I and others still have internalized The Spinster remains trapped in falsehoods that continue to be feared and played out. Ageism and sexism hang from her false form like a cloak, always being worn by her when her image is first conjured up. These are the stern warnings given to us as young girls. The threats that we will be old, unlovable, and alone are wielded like weapons in attempts to get us to conform. Although maybe not as rampant these same messages have been carried over into our lesbian communities. The lingering damage of ageism, sexism (along with all those other isms) continues to impact our relationships with other dykes and most certainly ourselves. If I like many lesbians turn on our heels when the Spinster makes her presence felt, she will continue to be cloaked in fear and falsehoods, never having realized her true identity and power
As a Lesbian I know how essential it is for each of us to nurture and cultivate self-love, self-sufficiency, self-confidence, and self-determination. These qualities when fully expressed can be the antidote for us as we are living within this hostile world, which is far from womyn-loving. This is something I have no doubt that every one of us is reminded of every day. Knowing this the Spinster could be imagined by many of us as an archetype of strength and fierce self-preservation. A defiant act of remaining true to oneself and not succumbing to the pressures of coupledom be it in the heteropatriarchy or within the radical lesbian feminist movement. The womon who can be comfortable with solitude is strong in herself and let’s no person dictate her path. Dyke separatists and radical lesbian feminists live far outside the accepted norms of male-dominated society. As we strive to create new paradigms for ourselves, our communities, and ultimately this planet we may find ourselves reaching towards the images and archetypes of womyn from our pasts. Reaching towards then to heal the misinformation and lies we were told about our aunts and ourselves. It is here that the Spinster waits for us to come to her. She has a lot to offer, but we must be willing to dive deep beneath the surface.
The spinster’s path is powerful, exuberant, mysterious, and difficult. It takes courage to follow her footsteps. She whom no other could ever own. She is strong, independent, fierce, yet gentle, wise, and wily. So sure of herself is the Spinster that she does not fear any passing winter night by the fire with only the company of her own heartbeat. As long as she breathes she is not alone. Her existence does not need to be validated by others. She draws those close to her that are as sure in themselves as she is in herself. All that is required to truly know the Spinster is to become her, if even for a short time. Be willing to embrace solitude. Enter into the unknown.
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